The Fallen Star: Chapter 2TWO
You clearly like keeping us in suspense, don't you? You've got quite an exciting setup going on here, but you' don't really reveal a lot just yet, do you? We know they are running, most likely from the authorities, judging by Saru's comments, but as to why exactly, who or what form the authorities have taken and even who those three refugees are exactly, not a word! You're just trying to force us to read the next chapter as well and it's working! I just need to find out who they are and what they did and who their enemy is.
It's also very nice to see some dialogue in this one. The conversation feels very natural to me and has an easy flow.
I always hesitate making any remarks about grammar or spelling errors, as english isn't my monther tongue, but in this case it's not really an issue, as I don't think I found any errors in there. That's something you don't often see nowadays.
Just a little criticism though. I'm not sure it's very realistic that in a dangerous place like Liaport, even if it is in the relative safety of a village, a little girl would leave her house at midnight. That was the only thing in this chapter that immediately struck me as kind of unlikely. But that's probably just me beind pedantic.
That's an interesting thought about the girl not leaving her house in the middle of the night - I hadn't really thought about it like that. I probably should have done!
My guess is that Nichal, the village, is one of the only places where this could happen. One of the few places that it's safe to do so. In a world where nearly everything is a danger, even if it is a little unlikely, I thought it was a good image to show the difference in Nichal clearly. But I do understand entirely what you mean.