Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

Okay, I still like the concept a lot. You are introducing an interesting group of young 'mutants', clearly defining their abilities and setting them up for future action.
Bu having them saving another one of their kind and having them talk about the organisation they are fighting, you also clearly indicate what they are all about; rebellion and protection of their own. So, in conclusion the 'vision' of your story, what it is all about and what the characters are all about was excellently done. Kudoos to you.

This being said, your technique, and by that I mean spelling, grammar, punctuation and so on, could be a lot better. Don't get me wrong, I think you wil have absolutely no problem repairing this. I'm pretty sure you wrote this piece with great viguour and enthusiasm, but I think you kind of forgot to edit it. Happens to me all the time too, you know. You feel 'in the zone', and you are frantically writing, trying to put all your ideas on paper. And when you're done, you forget to go over it again, with an editor's eye. First drafts really need that editor's eye. So please, don't feel too bad about it, because I really don't mean it in a bad way.
Your sentences, for example are too long. Some of them just don't seem to end. Your punctuation isn't entirely up to speed either. Try making shorter sentences. It will enhance readability of the piece in a huge way. Little tip: when you split up those long sentences, try to vary the way you start the sentences. I'll give you a small exemple of what I mean:

You wrote: "As always she stood tall with authority radiating off of her, and her hair was blood red and cut into a bob, her eyes were a seductive burned auburn that glowed with strength and wisdom, since the last time I saw her she seems more beautiful, honestly I didn't think it was possible, she was tall with a body shaped like an hourglass and her boobs were perfect. - Hey what can I say? I'm a teenage boy".

How about turning that into:

"As always she stood tall, authority radiating off of her. Her hair was bloodred and cut into a bob. She looked at me with eyes that were as a seductive burned auburn, glowing with strength and wisdom. I honestly didn't think it was possible but she seemed even more beautiful than the last time I saw her. She had a body, shaped like an hourglass and boobs that approached perfection. Hey, what can I say? I'm a teenage boy!

I think that reads a lot easier.

I always hesitate to give spelling advice, because english isn't my mother tongue, but I think there are some spelling errors in there as well. But you will no doubt correct those when you edit the piece.

As for the contents, I already mentioned that you have been setting up a couple of interesting possibilities for things to come: The newly rescued boy and the metal wristband. However, it was a bit confusing for me at first, having them worry about the wristband being a GPS and Phoebe jumping on the rooftop to check for approaching enemies and then suddenly having Assassin go off on an entirely different mission. At first I thought they were getting out of there, because they thought their enemies were coming and I was a little surprised when I found out it was about something entirely different.
So, both ideas are good, but maybe you should seperate them a bit more. Maybe they could leave to rescue the boy first and when they got back, suddenly realise that Ashley is still wearing that wristband! My god! Possibly a GPS! And Phoebe dramatically jumps on the rooftop! End chapter! Cliffhanger!!! What will happen next? Will they be coming for them? Will they all end up in the facility? Will they get away just in time? Was it a false alarm?
Now, they notice the band and destroy it, but they stay where they are! Which is pretty stupid, if that thing really was a GPS.

Anyway, in conclusion: You've got something very good going on here. Interesting story, many possible storylines, interesting characters and I would love to see where you are going with it. Just mind the technique a bit more, maybe edit it a bit more and you've got a story many people will enjoy reading!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.


ShelleyAnderson Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!!! I shall take all that you've said and apply it! Thank you so much for the critique, they leave in the next chapter and whatnot ^_^

And okay, edit, edit edit! :D :heart:
Walt-Marsters Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012
You're welcome. Glad I could help.
Add a Comment: